The Year of Three

I lost three dear ones this year. How could such big black gaping holes exist in my previously semi-perfect universe? Death has of course touched my life before, with two Grandparents gone, and others I have lost along the way. The star quarterback in high school, the sibling of that person my sister knows. But none probably so close together and so wrenching in nature. Grief on grief on grief. But here on the first day of a new decade, there is a fresh offering of snow on the ground, and possibility seems to be slowly coming back. Chances to be kinder, opportunities to grasp for, and maybe some instances where I can forget yet validate the pain and wilderness that 2019 brought to my door. It truly brought me to my knees, and being the optimist I am, I naively thought I could handle anything. Now I know that reality is not possible, that has probably brought more peace than most other familiar sources of comfort have. Not being okay is okay. Not functioning is okay. Having insight into personal limits has made me a better advocate for myself, and I am the only one who could show up for myself in really big and difficult ways. There are lessons that only death can teach us, and that perspective cannot be learned from any other source. Yet it is through this catalyst that one can connect to oneself, the deceased, and others who have experienced that pain and immense loss on one of the deepest levels that humans can experience. What a harrowing and beautiful gift.  To Allen, Jordan, and Julia, how I miss you. How I ache to make you laugh and smile. How I ache to hug you again. But you are together. And that is sometimes the only comfort that I can hold on to.